beginning a new normal...
1st of all I had forgotten I had started this blog nearly 5 years ago. I had plans to keep it going and I completely failed. Now looking back, I could just beat myself up over it because I never knew how much these previous blog entries would mean to me until now. I wish I had posted more and kept up with it daily. Life, as it does gets crazy busy and we are so busy we run out of time for ourselves to reflect. That was my life, crazy busy....since my last blog entry a lot has happened. Barett and I got engaged, I got a new job, he got a new job, we bought a house, we got married, went on an amazing honeymoon to the Dominican Republican, and started a family a year after we got married. Life was busy but it was fun. New things happening and new memories being made. I didn't have time for a blog. Until my world completely stopped.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017 is a day that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I hate that day, I hate the number 15, I hate Wednesdays, and I hate the year 2017 (I hope someday I will not hate it as much as I do now)...On February 15, 2017 my world stopped. My crazy busy life stopped. I lost my best friend, and the love of my life. The day that Barett got his angel wings, was the day that my heart completely fell to pieces. Nothing mattered anymore to me...I just wanted my husband back. I still do every single second of every single day.....Remember when you were little and you wanted a toy at the store, and your mom or dad told you "no" and you wanted to pitch a big ole fit kicking and screaming until you got what you wanted...That's exactly how I felt a million times over. I wanted to pitch a big ole fit until God brought Barett back to me. No one can ever prepare you for the pain you feel when you lose someone you loved so deeply. Death wasn't a new thing for me, see in the past 4 years my family had lost at least 5 close family members who we love and miss so incredibly much. But, this time for some reason it was so very different. Barett was "my person" he was my other half. Together we were ONE. So not only did I lose him, I lost a part of me. The first month of losing Barett, I think I was still in complete shock, I couldn't believe it and I tried to stay extremely busy so I wouldn't have time to think about it. That of course was impossible. There were times and still are times that I still think he is just at work or hunting with the guys. When reality hits me and I realize that's not the case I go into complete panic mode. I lose it. I cry and want to hide and want to give up. Sometimes I feel that living without him is a complete torture that never goes away. God, Easton, Family, and Friends are the only reason I am still going and the only reason I am making it each day. Even though I completely hate my current situation right now and I have so many unanswered questions, worries, and fears, I know my God is greater. He is carrying me and Easton through this. I don't know how people get through times like these without God. I often wonder how I am going to start a new "normal" without Barett and it brings me to tears to know I HAVE to start a new normal without him here. I know that Barett is watching over Easton and I but its just not the same as having him here to laugh with, cry with, and share every sweet memory with. Beginning a new normal is hard and scary.....but he will carry us and love us in only a way he can
....What an amazing GOD.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017 is a day that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I hate that day, I hate the number 15, I hate Wednesdays, and I hate the year 2017 (I hope someday I will not hate it as much as I do now)...On February 15, 2017 my world stopped. My crazy busy life stopped. I lost my best friend, and the love of my life. The day that Barett got his angel wings, was the day that my heart completely fell to pieces. Nothing mattered anymore to me...I just wanted my husband back. I still do every single second of every single day.....Remember when you were little and you wanted a toy at the store, and your mom or dad told you "no" and you wanted to pitch a big ole fit kicking and screaming until you got what you wanted...That's exactly how I felt a million times over. I wanted to pitch a big ole fit until God brought Barett back to me. No one can ever prepare you for the pain you feel when you lose someone you loved so deeply. Death wasn't a new thing for me, see in the past 4 years my family had lost at least 5 close family members who we love and miss so incredibly much. But, this time for some reason it was so very different. Barett was "my person" he was my other half. Together we were ONE. So not only did I lose him, I lost a part of me. The first month of losing Barett, I think I was still in complete shock, I couldn't believe it and I tried to stay extremely busy so I wouldn't have time to think about it. That of course was impossible. There were times and still are times that I still think he is just at work or hunting with the guys. When reality hits me and I realize that's not the case I go into complete panic mode. I lose it. I cry and want to hide and want to give up. Sometimes I feel that living without him is a complete torture that never goes away. God, Easton, Family, and Friends are the only reason I am still going and the only reason I am making it each day. Even though I completely hate my current situation right now and I have so many unanswered questions, worries, and fears, I know my God is greater. He is carrying me and Easton through this. I don't know how people get through times like these without God. I often wonder how I am going to start a new "normal" without Barett and it brings me to tears to know I HAVE to start a new normal without him here. I know that Barett is watching over Easton and I but its just not the same as having him here to laugh with, cry with, and share every sweet memory with. Beginning a new normal is hard and scary.....but he will carry us and love us in only a way he can
....What an amazing GOD.
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