all over the place

I haven't posted anything in a couple of days because honestly I have not had the words.  I have a million thoughts, questions, and memories that constantly flood my mind but every time I have tried to write something, all I that can seem to say is "I MISS YOU BARETT."  I have kept my feelings to myself mainly because nothing I say or do will bring Barett back...so whats the point? I find myself doing a lot of staring.  Sometimes I don't even realize i'm staring....

I just wish this nightmare would go away.  Every morning, I wake up thinking I'm going to roll over in bed and I'm going to say "Barett, I had a horrible dream."  He is going to hug me and reply "its ok baby, I'm right here, don't talk about it until after breakfast so it wont ever come true."  This was a normal conversation we had every time one of us had a bad dream.  I had never heard of not talking about your bad dreams until after breakfast until I met Barett.  Everyday I hope and pray this is all a nightmare and I am eventually going to wake up in our bed (in our house) and Barett is going to tell me I had a horrible nightmare.  But I know this isn't just a nightmare this nightmare is my reality and there is absolutely nothing I can say or do to bring him back.  So where do I go from here?  I honestly don't know.  I get up everyday just to try to make it through the day so I can sleep and do it all over again the next day.  Easton makes me happy but I am missing so much of my life.  I long for a day when I can be happy again and when I feel like myself. I often wonder who I am anymore.  Yes, I am Easton's mommy but what else? I feel like I have lost so much of myself, so much of my past, and so much of my future. I am all over the place with my thoughts, actions, and emotions.

Easter was a pretty good day.  We went to church with family, and then we ate and had an Easter egg hunt with our entire family!  It was so nice having everyone together.  I look forward to things that are planned and I can prepare for.  It keeps my mind somewhat busy.  I do ok until everyone leaves. That is when reality smacks me in the face.  I see families and I long for my family of 3 to be together again.  I long to go home with my boys.  I missed taking an Easter picture with Barett, I missed giving him an Easter basket and I missed watching him help Easton find eggs.  He was such a good daddy.

I went home yesterday for a couple of hours.  Going home is really hard.  I do a lot of crying and screaming when I am there. I also find a lot of comfort there knowing that was our home together, we brought Easton home there, and we spent a lot of time making this house ours together.  This past week my mind has played tricks on me.  It's almost like I was struggling to remember my life with Barett.  It seemed as if that part of my life never happened.  So going back home, looking through pictures and watching videos has helped me in so many ways.  However when I look through pictures, and watch videos it makes me miss him even more and I long to go back to those days.  It is like a vicious cycle that never ends.

I know this post has been all over the place (story of my life) and I honestly don't even know if it makes any sense.  I am just typing what I am thinking and how I am feeling, in hopes that it will do me some good to get my thoughts and feelings out (and hopefully I will actually go to bed at a decent hour).  I do want to take a second to say thank you to everyone who continues to pray for us.  Your comments on facebook do not go unnoticed and I appreciate each of them.  Thank you for the love and support.  We love you ALL.