"let me tell you about my best friend"

Well today was one of those days that had its ups and downs, but thank goodness it was a day that had some ups and wasn't a day of darkness. This morning Easton woke up earlier than normal.  He woke up at 6.  Usually he doesn't wake up until 8 or sometimes even 10 (yes, this child sleeps an average of 10 hours each night) These days he sleeps more than I do.  Anyway, he woke up at 6 and when I got up with him I started to feel sick, my stomach was in knots, and I just felt like at any moment I was going to burst into tears...because I'm tired of doing this alone.  It wasn't suppose to be this way.  I wanted to wake up and say, "Barett, its your turn, today is your off day and I have to get ready for work." It is crazy because I never could remember Baretts schedule and now that he is gone, his schedule haunts me.  I know what days he would have been off, what days he would have worked nights, and what days he would have kept Easton.  Today Easton would have spent the whole day with his daddy while I worked....But, that's not my reality anymore.  I'm a widow, a single mom, and I have a little boy who depends only on me now.  Then, just thinking those thoughts made me feel like a terrible mom.  I so badly want to see Barett and Easton together.  I miss watching Barett hold Easton and play with him.  He was the BEST daddy.  I miss sharing the excitement of all of Easton's "firsts" with Barett.  I JUST MISS HIM with absolutely everything I have.  I am so thankful God blessed Barett and I with Easton.  I'm so thankful for the love we had for each other and because of that love we have the most perfect gift ever.  I need Easton more than he needs me these days.  Easton is the best baby....he hardly ever cries and he smiles all the time.  He is such a happy baby...God knew I would need him to get me through this. I hope Barett is watching over us and knows just how much he means to Easton and I.  I hope he knows how thankful we are for all he did for us and how much we love and miss him each and every second of each and every day.  Today, I was able to get out of the house a little bit and hang out with a friend. I know Barett would want me to get out and do things but I feel so guilty sometimes doing things without him. I know he would want me to be happy but right now I'm just not happy without him.  I don't know if I ever will be but I am continuously putting my trust in God that he will make me whole again and that someday I can truly smile and it not be fake.  At Barett's funeral, I spoke about him and for those of you who did not know Barett, I want to brag about him for a second....so let me tell you about my best friend....

Well as Barett would say..."your going to end up where you wind up no matter where you start" Trying to find a place to start in writing this has been extremely difficult because there are so many memories that mean so much to me and so many I want to share but we would be here all day. So I'm just going to tell you a little about my best friend and love of my life. When we first met, Barett was so shy. We went on a double date to Applebee's and he barely spoke 2 words. He even had to get his friend Grant to ask me for my number. Once he got up the courage to call me, we met everyday at Meridian to walk and talk. He made me laugh all the time. He was so goofy. He was always telling jokes that usually weren't that funny, and playing pranks on people especially my sister, but little did he know she would always get him back. They were double trouble together and you never knew just what they had up their sleeves. One time on a family beach trip Barett caught a possum on the beach. Yes you heard that right. He showed some Pennsylvania boys what it was like to be a turtle man and catch some live action. He was always doing something crazy! Barett was the best cuddler! We called it tum tuddling and if you've never been tum tuddled by Barett I'm so sorry cause you've really missed out! Barett loved being outdoors. He loved hunting, fishing and kayaking with Seth and Jacob. He loved spending time with the guys in the woods or the duck swamp. I always missed him so much when he would go hunting because I just always wanted him to be with me. There were a few times we went hunting together and a few times he probably wanted to push me out of the deer stand because I just wanted to talk to him the whole time. When we would fish in Steinhatchee he always had to throw out my line because I just wasn't very good at it. He never complained about it and always wanted to make sure I was having fun. I didn't catch many fish but it was mostly because I couldnt stop looking at him. I couldn't stop thinking about how lucky I was to have him. There were many trips he went without me where he got to spend time with his Dad and I'm so very thankful for that. He loved his dad so much and would tell me story after story about things he did with him and his Pa Eddie as a “shuckit brother.” Barett was a protector. He protected all the women in his life especially Sarah, Megan, Ashley, and me. He cared for each of us in our own special way. He loved his mama and his Memaw so much. I don't think I ever made an egg sandwich that was as good as his mamas but I tried. He had such a special bond with Seth and I'm pretty sure he talked to Seth on the phone more than he did me. He was the best Uncle B. He loved Timber, Remi, Kambrie and River so much and talked about them all the time. When Barett asked my daddy if he could marry me I'm pretty sure I was traded for an Osage orange tree and a couple deer antlers. He loved my mama and daddy and was so appreciative of them when my mom decided to retire to take care of our sweet baby.  He loved my family just as much as his own family and always enjoyed holidays with everybody. In return my family thought the world of Barett. Most importantly Barett was the best daddy ever! He loved Easton more than anything. He was so proud of him and wanted to show him off to everyone. He would always say "Easton seriously has to be the cutest baby in the whole world...like for real" I would just laugh and tell him I totally agreed but that I'm pretty sure every parent says the same thing about their child but he would say "no I mean for real he looks just like me!" There were times when he was so full of himself but I can't say I didn't agree with him. He was so handsome and everyday I fell in love with him more and more. He was my rock. Barett loved reading bedtime stories to Easton and playing with him at bath time. Easton would just smile and smile at him. I'm so thankful for Easton because through Easton we have a little piece of Barett with us always! Barett loved Jesus. Every night before we went to bed he would say "did you say your prayers?" Even when he was working night shift before he told me goodnight on the phone he would ask if "I said my prayers." Barett was one of the greatest men I have ever known and I'm so thankful for our relationship and the fun times we had. I will always miss him and really don't know how to do this all without him but I know that I will see him again and I'm holding so tightly on to that and I just can't wait to hold his hand again and hug him so tight! I'm forever thankful for the people who are supporting us and who continue to pray for us. You all will never understand how much you mean to me and Easton.