the promise Easter brings

I just got home tonight.  I tried to stay busy today but no matter what I did I was constantly reminded of Barett. EVERYTHING reminds me of him and I know it always will.  How are you suppose to continue a life when you feel like you are completely dying on the inside? 

Easton is getting a bunny for Easter (shh don't tell him)...I know what you are probably thinking...seriously, he's only 5 months old.  I would have been thinking the same thing 2 months ago...but when you feel like your falling apart on the inside, you do whatever it takes to find some sort of happy.  Maybe the bunny is for me actually, watching Easton try to pet it and smile at it, maybe it will bring us a little bit of joy.  Yesterday, I went and got the bunnies cage and today I tried to put it together.  As soon as I got the pieces out of the box, I felt defeated.  Inside my heart began to ache.  This was a normal job for Barett...putting things together and now it became my job.  I couldn't get it together, I froze.  It was like I didn't know how to function. I just sat there thinking how excited Barett would be about getting Easton a bunny.  I couldn't stop thinking about how much Barett loved animals (so much, that when we bought our house, the main requirement was it had to have a spot for his chickens)  Luckily, my sister and her friend were there and just stepped right in to help and we eventually finished the bunnies cage (well almost-Papa had to make some adjustments).  My mom needed some things from the grocery story so I decided I would go, I thought it might do me some good to get out of the house.  Well of course on the way there every song on the radio reminded me of Barett and I just started to cry so I turned the radio off. Finally, I got to Ingles and I quickly got everything on my moms list.  As I was checking out a lady in line one register over had been talking to the cashier for a while (because she had a TON of groceries). Not one time did I hear what she said until I heard these words "it's ok my husband will help me get them out of the car when I get home." The tears began to fall.  I couldn't get out of the store fast enough.  As I quickly put the groceries into my car I just sat there and sobbed. I felt so dumb for crying over those simple words she said.  Once I made it home, Easton was taking a nap so I got ready because tonight we were going to Big T and SheShe's for SheShe's birthday.  When I went to wrap her present and sign her card I once again felt my heart aching...this was the first time I had to sign a card just me and Easton, I couldn't do it so I just wrote "we love you." We went to her party and it was nice being with family. I feel so blessed to have Barett's family in my life.  Easton and I love them so much but it is also hard being there without him.  I miss my husband so much.  I know tonight he was smiling down but I wanted him there with me smiling. I just feel so lost without him.  On the way back to my parents house (home) I just got really mad and said "why GOD, why is this happening, why am I going through this?" Immediately in my mind I thought of the cross.  I thought of Jesus (a perfect man) hanging there in pain for doing nothing wrong, I thought of the words he shouted out to God... "God why have you forsaken me?"  Jesus died a horrible painful death for my sins because he loves me so much.  He gladly takes our burdens and our hurts from us if we trust and believe in him.  He carries us through the storms and darkness.  Tonight I am sad and I miss my husband with every ounce of my being but I am so thankful that because Jesus rose from the dead...
-we can be saved
-we are forgiven, justified, pardoned and made righteous
-he has defeated death
-he can raise us from the dead and we will never die again
-we can be certain of his presence
-we are promised eternal life with him

This weekend is going to be a weekend of firsts without Barett.  It's also going to be the 15th tomorrow.  2 whole months without my best friend.  This weekend will be hard but this weekend is also a reminder that this is not the end.  I will see Barett again one day because of the promises Easter brings. "Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live" John 11:25  Until I see Barett again I will trust in the Lord with all my heart even when it seems impossible for I know...."that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 

                                                          Our first Easter as a family of 3

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