but then God!!!

"Grief comes in waves...today I feel like I am drowning"

I came across this quote as I was scrolling through Pinterest this morning trying to keep my mind occupied from the emotions I could feel inside. Emotions that I just really did not want to let out for fear that I would be a crying mess all day long.  Well, I should have known better because its just not that easy to ignore the grief that I  feel inside.  Some days its easier to deal with than others but it always comes back and some days it completely overwhelms.  Today is one of those overwhelming days.  This quote described my emotions perfectly.  Grief is in so many ways like the ocean coming in and out in waves with some days feeling like the tide is so strong that it will completely take you under and there is no hope of getting back to the surface....  BUT then GOD.

As I was drowning in my grief, I just felt like hiding.  I wanted to lay in my bed and just go to sleep so maybe I wouldn't have to go through all the emotions I was feeling.  As I laid there I decided I would watch a movie. (Easton was napping, I had time to myself and lets face it...I wasn't going to fall asleep)  I haven't watched many movies lately but I had heard about the movie the Shack.  I had never read the book like most people so I did not know what to expect.  All I had heard was "you'll cry" well I was already crying so I thought, "well whats it going to hurt?"  Well...while I did cry the whole entire movie, it was what I needed to watch today.  I will not give away the details of the movie for those of you who haven't seen it, but I do recommend you see it.  It was such a POWERFUL movie.  There were several quotes from the movie that stuck out to me that I wanted to share......

"You can't pick which emotions you shut down...it's an all or nothing process"

"Don't ever discount the wonder of your tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak."

"When all you see is your pain, you lose sight of me"

There was one quote that stuck out to me the most and it was..."Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly, and if left unresolved you can almost forget you were ever created  to fly in the first place."  The pain I have from losing Barett has held me down, it has made me question my faith and even my purpose.  While it isn't easy to get through the pain and keep going, I am constantly reminded I am not alone.  I believe in the importance of showing Gods love through the relationships we have with others. God is love and love is an action. There is no way I could get through this without the relationships I have with so many people. While each relationship is so different, I believe God knew I would need each unique relationship to get me through different parts of my grieving process.  I believe he uses each relationship to show me physically that he is always with me.  But it is through my relationship with him alone that I have hope that things will get better.  I have hope that this will not last forever and one day the pain will go away.  Its through my relationship with him that there will be a day where I wont cry ever again, a day I wont feel this pain anymore, and a day that I will see Barett again.  Thank you God for your unfailing love and for reminding me today that I am loved, I am not alone, and I have a purpose.....  I AM YOURS! A daughter of the King!