Question & Answer
Question: How do you start a new normal when you can't say goodbye to the old normal?
Answer: I honestly don't know.
Leaving the old normal behind is so extremely painful that it seems almost easier to dwell in it. There is not a second of each day that I don't think of Barett. Traveling on the road reminds me of him and all the places we went together, songs on the radio remind me of him, animals remind me of him, Easton reminds me of him, flowers and plants remind me of him, Quick Trip signs remind me of him, fire trucks and ambulances remind me of him, EVERYTHING reminds me of him, I could go on and on. Literally there is something every second of every day that reminds me of him.
This week there hasn't been a day where I haven't cried majority of the day. How do you move on and find a new normal when you literally can't let go of the past? I know I will always have the memories but sometimes that just sucks because I don't want the memories I just want him. I want to make NEW memories with HIM. I want to make memories as a family of three. I want to watch him do things with E like teach him how to hunt, fish, and play baseball. I want to sit on our back deck and have family dinners together and play outside until the sun goes down. Those are the kind of memories I want and I think about daily. I want to live a life that I know can never be again. I want to be happy again, I want to feel like I'm living each day instead of dying each day but I don't know how to. I've tried staying busy, going to counseling, journaling, blogging, talking it out, praying, but the pain just seems to get worse each day. I'm trying to trust that God has a plan. I know he HAS to have one, and I sure hope he does because I don't. There are days when it hurts so bad that I literally have to tell myself to breathe. How did I get here? Why is my world falling apart? I try each day to find the little blessings that are amidst such a tragedy but I'm constantly reminded of what is no longer...I don't just miss Barett anymore, I long for him. I just want him back with every ounce of my being and there is nothing I can do or say to make that happen. My mind feels like mush, I can't remember things anymore, I can't think straight...because my mind is only focused on one thing. I want so badly to focus on other things but I have tried and it's just not that easy.
I say all of this, not to make you feel sorry for me, but I write this to say that if your going through your own tragedy and you feel as if no matter how positive you try to be, how much you want to be able to move on, but you just feel completely alone and lost, your not. There is at least one person who feels this way too, and some way, some how we will make it...but it's ok to FEEL this way. (I think)
Answer: I honestly don't know.
Leaving the old normal behind is so extremely painful that it seems almost easier to dwell in it. There is not a second of each day that I don't think of Barett. Traveling on the road reminds me of him and all the places we went together, songs on the radio remind me of him, animals remind me of him, Easton reminds me of him, flowers and plants remind me of him, Quick Trip signs remind me of him, fire trucks and ambulances remind me of him, EVERYTHING reminds me of him, I could go on and on. Literally there is something every second of every day that reminds me of him.
This week there hasn't been a day where I haven't cried majority of the day. How do you move on and find a new normal when you literally can't let go of the past? I know I will always have the memories but sometimes that just sucks because I don't want the memories I just want him. I want to make NEW memories with HIM. I want to make memories as a family of three. I want to watch him do things with E like teach him how to hunt, fish, and play baseball. I want to sit on our back deck and have family dinners together and play outside until the sun goes down. Those are the kind of memories I want and I think about daily. I want to live a life that I know can never be again. I want to be happy again, I want to feel like I'm living each day instead of dying each day but I don't know how to. I've tried staying busy, going to counseling, journaling, blogging, talking it out, praying, but the pain just seems to get worse each day. I'm trying to trust that God has a plan. I know he HAS to have one, and I sure hope he does because I don't. There are days when it hurts so bad that I literally have to tell myself to breathe. How did I get here? Why is my world falling apart? I try each day to find the little blessings that are amidst such a tragedy but I'm constantly reminded of what is no longer...I don't just miss Barett anymore, I long for him. I just want him back with every ounce of my being and there is nothing I can do or say to make that happen. My mind feels like mush, I can't remember things anymore, I can't think straight...because my mind is only focused on one thing. I want so badly to focus on other things but I have tried and it's just not that easy.
I say all of this, not to make you feel sorry for me, but I write this to say that if your going through your own tragedy and you feel as if no matter how positive you try to be, how much you want to be able to move on, but you just feel completely alone and lost, your not. There is at least one person who feels this way too, and some way, some how we will make it...but it's ok to FEEL this way. (I think)
Beautiful ��
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