"there is a crack in everything....that's how the light gets in" -leonard cohen

Never in a million years did I think my life would have turned out this way.  I often think back to three of the best days of my life; December 22, 2014- the day Barett asked me if I would marry him September 19, 2015-the day I married the love of my life, and November 6, 2016- the day we welcomed sweet Easton into our family.  These memories always bring a smile to my face but then tears to my eyes as I wish with all my heart that I could just relive them over and over and over again. I would have never imagined this for my future or Easton's future. I had so many other plans....LOTS OF THEM and they all included Barett and I building a family and always being there for each other.  I always imagined us raising Easton together.  I imagined Easton and Barett having wrestling matches in the living room, going on hunting trips and fishing trips, playing baseball in the backyard, and just being double trouble together! I miss his phone calls that started with "hey baby, hows my babies?" I miss his voice and his singing in the car (he was a REALLY good singer and I am serious). It breaks my heart that Easton won't get to fully experience what it was like to truly know his Dada, even though we know and feel he is with us always. Being a single mom is hard.  I try to do things with Easton that I know Barett would do with him and want him to know...like how to wrestle "WWE style" on our bed.  I try to be the dad and mom he deserves but I am no where close to the dad Barett was. He was SO much fun and I know Easton would be laughing at his dada's goofy self.

Through all of this I have learned how deep and dark pain can be, I have also learned that no matter what I do there is absolutely no way to find a new normal....in fact I HATE the word normal.  Nothing about my life is normal and in fact my life has never been normal.  Normal is a lot of pressure.....I am learning its okay to just be okay and its even okay to not be okay. I have learned the importance of meeting people where they are...whether they are happy, sad, mad, depressed, etc....just meet them there.  You don't even have to give them advice or tell them that it will be okay or that God has a plan....just meet them where they are and be there for them.  I have learned that you truly never know what someone is going through, so always show mercy and compassion towards others. Like I said before I had LOTS OF PLANS....but so did God. Even though I don't understand his plan and right now I honestly don't like it, I am trusting in him.  My hope is in him alone.








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