It’s not forever....

I wish I could say that each day has gotten easier but if I said that I wouldn’t be telling the truth. You see, nothing about it has been easy. At 28 you shouldn’t have to bury your husband, you shouldn’t have to be alone, you shouldn’t have to be a single mom, and you shouldn’t have to go through the pain of grieving your husbands death. Life has been so hard since Barett left. How can you be surrounded by so many amazing, loving, and supporting  people and still feel completely alone?! That just shouldn’t be possible, but it is. It’s life on an Earth that is full of sin. Life is given to us and it’s taken away in the blink of and eye and it’s so not fair, but thankfully God is fair and even though I still don’t understand why my husband was taken from me now, I know that God is good especially in times when I am afraid. I do know when I call out to him for help he always provides. Most of the time it’s not what I ask for because everytime I ask, it’s for my husband back, but he always provides and comforts me in a way that gives me an amazing peace that surpasses all of my understanding. Holidays, milestones and firsts withbut Barett have been hard, but for me I think the hardest thing is living day to day trying to do life in a way you never dreamed of. Missing day to day activities together, text messages, phone calls, snap chats, “I love yous,” pillow talks, meals together, downtime together, cuddles, kisses, holding hands, and just having someone who gets you better than anyone else. Someone who you can say nothing to but know your in it together. These  are moments when the pain is unbearable. These are the moments when you can’t think straight and these are the moments where you have to tell yourself to breath because the pain is so overwhelming. I can’t wait for Heaven! I can’t wait for the day that these moments will be no more. I can’t wait for the day when the pain will go away and there will be no more tears. I can’t wait to see my husband and I REALLY can’t wait to see Jesus. I can’t wait to tell Jesus THANK YOU that these tears and pain aren’t for forever!

Comments

  1. UnknownDecember 10, 2017 at 11:43 AM

    Hugs my dear - you must press forward to create a new life. A life without Barret. He will be a memory. It does not take away or diminish in any way your love for him, but instead grants you freedom to live & love even harder the second time around. You deserve happiness, your son certainly deserves a life full of smiles & therefore at some point, you must move on... hugs until you can find the strength!!! Been there bought a t-shirt but praying it will be easier for you!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Ready or Not...2018

Image
Well it’s New Years Eve....this time last year Barett and I dropped Easton off at my parents house and went on a much needed date night. We had planned on using our gift cards we had gotten from Christmas to go see a movie at the new Ovation theatre in Snellville. When we got there we soon realized the movie was sold out and since it was New Year’s Eve we didn’t want to see a late movie because we wanted to get back home and spend it with Easton celebrating the new year as a family of 3. We ended up eating dinner and going to Gander Mountain to look around...this was one of our last real date nights together. Oh how I would do anything for him to walk in the door and tell me this has all been a bad dream. What I would give to see his face and hug him tightly. The holidays have been so hard but this New Year’s Eve, I’m struggling. I’m ready for a new year because the pain 2017 has brought has been the worst...but I’m not ready to leave 2017 behind either. The closer we get to 1 year wit...
Read more

3+3=6

Image
3 months as a family of 3 + 3 months as a family of 2 = Easton is now 6 months old. This is hard. Everyday it gets harder. I don't know who said it would get easier...but IT DOES NOT!! Its crazy where your mind goes when you have basically 20+ hours in the car to do nothing but think. It breaks my heart to know soon we will have spent more time without Barett than with him since Easton has been born. Today is also a happy day though. Easton is a happy, healthy, and perfect 6 month old!! I'm so glad that because of the love Barett and I had for one another we were blessed with our little miracle, Easton. I'm so thankful Barett got to be a daddy to Easton for the 3 months he did. I'm thankful for that time, even if it was very short. I'm thankful for the times he talked and sang to Easton while Easton was still in my tummy. I'm thankful for the 3 months we had as a family. The day Easton was born was the best day of my life. I had my 2 boys in my life and we were ...
Read more

HOPE

I wish I could write and say that every day it gets a little easier.  I wish I could say that there has been at least 1 day where I have went all day without crying, but its just not that easy.  I have been told to be honest with my feelings and to be honest I'm not very good at that part.  I so badly want to say I'm okay and seriously mean it when others ask, but I often say I'm okay when I'm really dying on the inside. There is only 3 words that completely sum up how I'm feeling and its always I MISS BARETT so much (okay maybe there are 5 words).  When Barett and I decided on forever we meant it.  I remember during our pre-marriage counseling our preacher asking us both why we wanted to get married.  Our answers were about the same...."he/she completes me, and I cant imagine life without him/her." When we decided to get married we knew we were becoming "one."  When I hurt, he hurt, and when he was happy so was I.  We shared some amazing memori...
Read more