...no matter where you start...

Well, here I am again. Its been over a week since I have blogged.  Mostly because everyday is about the same, every day I miss Barett, every day I am sad, and every day I long for my old life back.  So why continue to write day after day about the same old depressing thing?  Why share with everyone that every day I am sad?  The last thing I want is for people to feel sorry for me.  So this week every time I have attempted to post something on here, I haven't.  The reason I am posting on here tonight is because this week I have learned IT IS OK TO BE SAD, just like it is ok to be happy.  Being true to yourself and your emotions doesn't make you weak. When we are going through a difficult time in our lives (no matter what it may be) we often try to hide our emotions so others won't see us hurt.  We often say we are "fine" when we are not, and we definitely don't want anyone to see us cry. Why is that?  Why does it seem as if it is so unacceptab...

I haven't posted anything in a couple of days because honestly I have not had the words.  I have a million thoughts, questions, and memories that constantly flood my mind but every time I have tried to write something, all I that can seem to say is "I MISS YOU BARETT."  I have kept my feelings to myself mainly because nothing I say or do will bring Barett back...so whats the point? I find myself doing a lot of staring.  Sometimes I don't even realize i'm staring.... I just wish this nightmare would go away.  Every morning, I wake up thinking I'm going to roll over in bed and I'm going to say "Barett, I had a horrible dream."  He is going to hug me and reply "its ok baby, I'm right here, don't talk about it until after breakfast so it wont ever come true."  This was a normal conversation we had every time one of us had a bad dream.  I had never heard of not talking about your bad dreams until after breakfast until I met Barett....

I just got home tonight.  I tried to stay busy today but no matter what I did I was constantly reminded of Barett. EVERYTHING reminds me of him and I know it always will.  How are you suppose to continue a life when you feel like you are completely dying on the inside?  Easton is getting a bunny for Easter (shh don't tell him)...I know what you are probably thinking...seriously, he's only 5 months old.  I would have been thinking the same thing 2 months ago...but when you feel like your falling apart on the inside, you do whatever it takes to find some sort of happy.  Maybe the bunny is for me actually, watching Easton try to pet it and smile at it, maybe it will bring us a little bit of joy.  Yesterday, I went and got the bunnies cage and today I tried to put it together.  As soon as I got the pieces out of the box, I felt defeated.  Inside my heart began to ache.  This was a normal job for Barett...putting things together and now it beca...

Well today was one of those days that had its ups and downs, but thank goodness it was a day that had some ups and wasn't a day of darkness. This morning Easton woke up earlier than normal.  He woke up at 6.  Usually he doesn't wake up until 8 or sometimes even 10 (yes, this child sleeps an average of 10 hours each night) These days he sleeps more than I do.  Anyway, he woke up at 6 and when I got up with him I started to feel sick, my stomach was in knots, and I just felt like at any moment I was going to burst into tears...because I'm tired of doing this alone.  It wasn't suppose to be this way.  I wanted to wake up and say, "Barett, its your turn, today is your off day and I have to get ready for work." It is crazy because I never could remember Baretts schedule and now that he is gone, his schedule haunts me.  I know what days he would have been off, what days he would have worked nights, and what days he would have kept Easton.  Today Easton would...

1st of all I had forgotten I had started this blog nearly 5 years ago.  I had plans to keep it going and I completely failed.  Now looking back, I could just beat myself up over it because I never knew how much these previous blog entries would mean to me until now. I wish I had posted more and kept up with it daily.  Life, as it does gets crazy busy and we are so busy we run out of time for ourselves to reflect.  That was my life, crazy busy....since my last blog entry a lot has happened.  Barett and I got engaged, I got a new job, he got a new job, we bought a house, we got married, went on an amazing honeymoon to the Dominican Republican, and started a family a year after we got married.  Life was busy but it was fun.  New things happening and new memories being made.  I didn't have time for a blog.  Until my world completely stopped. Wednesday, February 15, 2017 is a day that will haunt me for the rest of my life.  I hate tha...