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Ready or Not...2018

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Well it’s New Years Eve....this time last year Barett and I dropped Easton off at my parents house and went on a much needed date night. We had planned on using our gift cards we had gotten from Christmas to go see a movie at the new Ovation theatre in Snellville. When we got there we soon realized the movie was sold out and since it was New Year’s Eve we didn’t want to see a late movie because we wanted to get back home and spend it with Easton celebrating the new year as a family of 3. We ended up eating dinner and going to Gander Mountain to look around...this was one of our last real date nights together. Oh how I would do anything for him to walk in the door and tell me this has all been a bad dream. What I would give to see his face and hug him tightly. The holidays have been so hard but this New Year’s Eve, I’m struggling. I’m ready for a new year because the pain 2017 has brought has been the worst...but I’m not ready to leave 2017 behind either. The closer we get to 1 year wit...
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It’s not forever....

I wish I could say that each day has gotten easier but if I said that I wouldn’t be telling the truth. You see, nothing about it has been easy. At 28 you shouldn’t have to bury your husband, you shouldn’t have to be alone, you shouldn’t have to be a single mom, and you shouldn’t have to go through the pain of grieving your husbands death. Life has been so hard since Barett left. How can you be surrounded by so many amazing, loving, and supporting  people and still feel completely alone?! That just shouldn’t be possible, but it is. It’s life on an Earth that is full of sin. Life is given to us and it’s taken away in the blink of and eye and it’s so not fair, but thankfully God is fair and even though I still don’t understand why my husband was taken from me now, I know that God is good especially in times when I am afraid. I do know when I call out to him for help he always provides. Most of the time it’s not what I ask for because everytime I ask, it’s for my husband back, but he a...
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Suffering

Suffering....it is such an unpleasant word. We have all faced suffering in our lives. Sometimes more than once. Suffering to me is when you feel as if you are completely dying, yet you are still putting one foot in front of the other and living when it seems impossible to live. It is a pain like no other. My greatest suffering came when I lost my best friend and husband. Sharing my life with someone for 7 years, being together all the time, sharing tradgedies and triumphs together and then in an instant it was gone. The day I lost Barett was the worst day of my life, it was the start of great suffering in my life.  In my opinion there is no greater pain than the pain that comes with suffering. As much as we want to fastforward and run away from the suffering, we can't. That is not what God wants from us. To run from suffering is to refuse to see Gods plan and hand in the midst of the suffering and pain. To run from suffering is to reject the lessons God has planned for you in it. G...
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"there is a crack in everything....that's how the light gets in" -leonard cohen

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Never in a million years did I think my life would have turned out this way.  I often think back to three of the best days of my life; December 22, 2014- the day Barett asked me if I would marry him September 19, 2015-the day I married the love of my life, and November 6, 2016- the day we welcomed sweet Easton into our family.  These memories always bring a smile to my face but then tears to my eyes as I wish with all my heart that I could just relive them over and over and over again. I would have never imagined this for my future or Easton's future. I had so many other plans....LOTS OF THEM and they all included Barett and I building a family and always being there for each other.  I always imagined us raising Easton together.  I imagined Easton and Barett having wrestling matches in the living room, going on hunting trips and fishing trips, playing baseball in the backyard, and just being double trouble together! I miss his phone calls that started with "hey baby,...
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Question & Answer

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Question: How do you start a new normal when you can't say goodbye to the old normal? Answer: I honestly don't know. Leaving the old normal behind is so extremely painful that it seems almost easier to dwell in it. There is not a second of each day that I don't think of Barett. Traveling on the road reminds me of him and all the places we went together, songs on the radio remind me of him, animals remind me of him, Easton reminds me of him, flowers and plants remind me of him, Quick Trip signs remind me of him, fire trucks and ambulances remind me of him, EVERYTHING reminds me of him, I could go on and on. Literally there is something every second of every day that reminds me of him. This week there hasn't been a day where I haven't cried majority of the day. How do you move on and find a new normal when you literally can't let go of the past? I know I will always have the memories but sometimes that just sucks because I don't want the memories I just ...
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but then God!!!

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"Grief comes in waves...today I feel like I am drowning" I came across this quote as I was scrolling through Pinterest this morning trying to keep my mind occupied from the emotions I could feel inside. Emotions that I just really did not want to let out for fear that I would be a crying mess all day long.  Well, I should have known better because its just not that easy to ignore the grief that I  feel inside.  Some days its easier to deal with than others but it always comes back and some days it completely overwhelms.  Today is one of those overwhelming days.  This quote described my emotions perfectly.  Grief is in so many ways like the ocean coming in and out in waves with some days feeling like the tide is so strong that it will completely take you under and there is no hope of getting back to the surface....  BUT then GOD. As I was drowning in my grief, I just felt like hiding.  I wanted to lay in my bed and just go to sleep so maybe ...
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HOPE

I wish I could write and say that every day it gets a little easier.  I wish I could say that there has been at least 1 day where I have went all day without crying, but its just not that easy.  I have been told to be honest with my feelings and to be honest I'm not very good at that part.  I so badly want to say I'm okay and seriously mean it when others ask, but I often say I'm okay when I'm really dying on the inside. There is only 3 words that completely sum up how I'm feeling and its always I MISS BARETT so much (okay maybe there are 5 words).  When Barett and I decided on forever we meant it.  I remember during our pre-marriage counseling our preacher asking us both why we wanted to get married.  Our answers were about the same...."he/she completes me, and I cant imagine life without him/her." When we decided to get married we knew we were becoming "one."  When I hurt, he hurt, and when he was happy so was I.  We shared some amazing memori...
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